Transformation to 11 and beyond

Lily Patrice Lowe

 turns 11.

I like things perfectly clean.

She's more comfortable in a mess.

 

A mess is not comfortable to me.

 

Except...

when I need comfort in the night,

I slip into her domain.

 

Clothes are everywhere.

 

New art is hung from every corner,

curtain, and knob,

every time I enter.

 

Extra blankets are loaded up everywhere.

 

Too much laundry,
everywhere.

 

I try not to get mad,

because I am interrupting her space,

and it is the middle of night.

 

I adjust quickly,

and release my perfect anger upon arrival.

 

I feel so grateful,

for the beautiful mess she has made.

 

Her creative mind

 is always

at work

in her bedroom.

 

Her independent time,

is spent

making a space

all her own.

 

Her own space is so

different than the one I demand,

on the morning

before the cleaning lady comes.

 

A perfect haven for me to feel creative,

and messy, and loved alongside her.

 

When I crawl into her bed,

she wraps her sweaty body around me,

mumbles with her sleepy breath,

"I love you Mommy!"

 

And then I begin to breathe,
 my first full deep breath of the day,

and its nearly tomorrow

by this point.

 

Lily is magic and power and home to me.

 

When we walk into a room full of strangers,

I am uncomfortable.

 

She announces herself,

upon arrival.
 

Demanding everyone pay attention to her,

and fall in love with her.

(which they all easily do)

 

This prepares me

to allow

for intimacy between strangers,

which is actually my heart song,

except I am all twitchy and weird,

upon arrival.

 

Lily is an instant connector of people.

 

She is not afraid to put the attention on her,

and show herself,

outloud to everyone.

 

This special gift about her,

eases everyone else in the room.

 

She is so open to letting others in.

She is so sure of herself.

 

What I most proudest about her,

is her compassion.

 

Her intuitive understanding about situations is that of someone that has lived a thousand lives.

 

She asks me the questions,

that I don't have the answers to.

 

The very same questions

I am asking The Universe myself at nearly 40.

 

She is not just yet 11 years old and is asking me,
this big huge things.

 

She thinks I know the answers.

 

You Guys,

she thinks I know stuff.
I don't.

 

She believes in me.
 

She looks up to me.
 

She models me and copies me,

and mimics me,

in all the right and wrong ways.

 

She is always watching me.

 

She sometimes hates me,

at this point.

 

She is infuriating to me,

because she mirrors me.

 

She is emotional and dramatic

and hard to handle.

 

She wants it all.

 

She thinks the sun and the moon

revolve around her.

 

She thinks she deserves everything

she ever wants just because she wants it.

 

I give her it all,

because I want to,

and then I realize I created a monster,

and I am doing it all wrong.

 

I tell her,

some kids don't have...

water, food to eat, safety, parents

dance classes, computers, lip balm,

whathaveyou
#taleasoldastime

 

I am reminded of myself,

my Dad used to tell me...

 

"Heather, life isn't served on a silver platter"

 

because I also expected

 

(perhaps demanded?)

 

more, more, more!
 

Now, now, now!

 

I ended up going out and I found
a silver platter of a life,

with a silver lining included.

Lily will too.

 

My mom sent Lily a note that I had typed her when I was about her age.

 

It said

"Wow Mom, you are doing a great job at keeping your cool! I mean, not that you always do it, but you are doing an exceptionally good job! I'm sorry I am acting like a brat lately, it just seems there's more than one of me right now."

 

And here is my 11 year old,
a similar two person type brat that I was.
 

I am pretty sure we are raising each other.

11 years old is a very tough in between time.

Lily has recently shared some
fears and anxieties and insecurities with D and me.

Sometimes this looks like her
slamming the door in our faces,
spewing hatred at us for ruining her life.

I have decided to let go of my desire for control,
and to work at keep our connection instead.

Offering love, patience, and understanding.
Not taking it all personally,
and letting some things go.
As well as trying to model,
my own yoga/zen/calm/peace.

There is no way around this age of puberty,
so she has to go through it.

I want to be her confidant,
and I want her to know that I am on her side,
there is no need to rebel against me.

I would like to be a warm, soft,
and safe place to land,
when she feels like she is falling.

This so far,
has been the biggest challenge
I have ever faced as a parent.

I just want to hold her like a baby,
and promise every little thing gonna be alright.

Because pray tell it will.

Sometimes she pushes me away,
she wants her independence, and
there is so much confusion and uncertainty,
for both of us during this time.

I want her to keep her confidence,
and allow her bright light to continue to shine,
as she is faced with the challenges of
this awkward stage of life.

My beautiful Lily,
growing up so fast
right in front of my eyes.

I haven't prepared for this,
but here I am.

She enjoyed a hair blow out at a blow dry bar,
that Santa gifted her, the day before her birthday.

This is my before, after,
and her own selfie.

This was 5 hours of time,
what is the next year going to bring?

Braces.
What else?
So many new responsibilities.
Middle school.
Her own phone.
Darin's dad was the last person on earth
to get call waiting, and here she is.

OMG.
Hold me.