Working it

So, Friends

I know you are equally curious

about my broken leg and

my rocky start to new job.

I know this about you,

because you are my friends.

 

So, let me tell you allll about it.

Starting with the job.

I am incredibly uncomfortable and insecure

with my recent job change.

For starters I am working

a minimum of 10 hours a day.

And on this schedule I am also leaving early before My Team

to get home to my family.

Late.

This feels incredibly guilty on both ends.

 

I had a meeting with my team the other day

and I left feeling bad.

I think we all did.

I wasn't sure what went wrong.

Or what was my own interpretation

of the situation.

It seemed to me we were all

politely

blaming each other.

The only thing I knew, in my heart,

 was to not take it too seriously

and come home to the loving

and accepting arms of my kids

(who at least at this age)

 still think I know all the answers

and totally believe in me.

(like you, Friends!)

 

I showed up the next day at work

and my team and I rocked it. 

We made so many gains

and collectively produced so many results!

I had to wonder if we got it right

even with the uncomfortable day before?

 

 

So the following day,

I brought donuts.

To thank them for their hard work.

(after much consideration about not overly praising

 or buying love with food,

but also being a manager that supports efforts

and creates a positive environment)
 

Truth be told,

I was gifted with an awesome team

of high performers.

They are all self motivated.

They have functioned and succeeded

without a Director for a long time.

They know what they are doing.

 

I, on the other hand, do not.

 

I have never been a manager.

I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome,

from a past experience in a similar environment.

 

And everything here is new to me.

I am trying to keep my head above water.

 

Meaning,

I am trying to remember...

what time to set my alarm

trying to find professional business attire

(in my  closet of yoga pants),

remembering the bathroom code

remembering the printer code

remembering this report is for this

and this report is for that

and these reports go together

and cross check this one over that one

so you can report numbers accurately.

 

And just when I think I know something,

I learn...

this part of this report matters.

this other part can be found

on the other report section ABC,

but those numbers should really equal these others and if they don't then tell your team to update.

Or

You Failed!

You're wrong!

 But remember...

This process is like this,

unless otherwise somewhere in your email, because then its like that.

Always follow B after A,

unless in case of C and then do XYZ.

 

And in my mind I am thinking...

 

Oh Fuck  Fudge! I have to go the bathroom again and everyone is watching me as new manager in a fishbowl and I maybe forgot something as simple as the code to get in!

 

 

So...yea.

I am struggling big time here.

 

I happen to be working with really young, hip, confident, smart people.

I love them.

They scare the crap outta me.

So, needless to say.
 I could call the whole thing off.

I could go back to familiar.

I could shut off my alarm and just never go back again, because its so scary and I am so uncomfortable and its so hard.

 

And each night I set my alarm and go to bed early.

I look forward to going again.

To getting to know these lovely, beautiful, smart people even more.

To putting myself out there.

As awkward as I feel, and act.

I just keep doing it.

Gladly.
Because it makes me feel alive.

More to come.

Thanks for listening.