I. eat. my. words.

Hello Friends.

Remember just a few posts back when I wanted school and routine

and a place to go in the evenings

to save me from boredom?

 

I got what I asked for.
X100.

 

This entire week is so jam packed that I can't believe I wished for it.

It has not brought me joy.

 

For starters, it is only Tuesday.

My anxiety is so high,

 I wonder how I will make it past Thursday.

 

I was invited to a girl party last night.

The neighbor gals picked me up at 8:30

(my bedtime)

and swooped me away

for some wine and girl chat.

 

I live for this sort of thing

and was so excited for the event all day.

 

Until 6 pm hit.

At 6 pm, I was tired

and couldn't imagine leaving the house at all.

 

But...

I made myself take off the yoga pants

and put jeans on.

It was a Jeans Party, after all.

So, I shimmied

(slammed?)

into my best,

most expensive
(well... would be... if they weren't from a thrift store)
and impressive jeans.

They were tiiiggghhht.

I was worried about pantie lines

or what I have just learned

to be called "whale tail*"

(*definition: low risers with thong showing.

Ever heard of it?

Me either, until now.)

 

So...

I went to the jeans party

sans underwear.

Come to find out this was a really stupid choice, because there are brand name jeans

at discount prices and

you can try them all on.

OMG.

I forgot all about my sans underwear trick

until my friend Paige,

made a joke about not wearing any

and my facial expression said it all.

(or I would have had the sense to keep it to myself)

 

So...

 there we sat

as the sales woman kept bribing me

to try them on,

and I kept skirting (no pun intended) the issue.

 

To solve it,

I considered just buying a pair of $80 jeans

that are worth $300.

(yes, I want them, I am sure they fit,

they fit everyone else and look great, so why not me?)

 

But...

this week

Darin's car broke,

our home air conditioning broke,

we owed a hired handy man friend for painting and home repairs,

 and one of us got a traffic ticket. 

(I have had many but this one  wasn't me, and it was stupid,

meaning, I do not blame the criminal traffic violator)

So...

let's just say,
buying jeans wasn't in my favor.

And I felt bad, even though it was

"low pressure sales"

The host and the sales woman were awesome.

I am in Sales.

 I wanted to give a good sales person,

the Sale. 

But couldn't.

 

Truth is, I went,  

(not for jeans, because they suck compared to yoga pants) 

for a chance to connect

with a group of neighbors,

that I am getting to know.

 

What I showed them about me,

is that I am a nervous wreck.

 

I called them before arrival,

because they were late

and I was about to take the jeans off

and put my pj's on

and needed someone to stop me.

When they got here,

I got into the car

and apologized for being so anxious

and then went on to explain why.

 

I could see quickly,

in my trying to connect,

it turned into me

 sharing everything about me.

(does anyone reading this want to be my friend

and be all about me? Just comment, I'm all yours!)

Here's my reasoning
(excuse for awkward social behavior)

 the neighborhood girls

 already know each other,

I was thinking maybe

my stories of craziness

would bring us all to the same place.

 

I was wrong.

 

Because...

when I finally took a breath

and asked about them...

each and every one of them...

smiled at me.

They said school starting

was great.

No drama.

No stories.

Its all good.

And then I felt bad for

spreading my toxic anxiety around.

 

(I must be the strangest person, ever.

And thank God for Paige

moving in at the same time

and understanding me).

 

In other news...

 

Nanna has been here for the past week.

She has found a way to find jobs near us,

 so she can work

and join in on our daily routines

every once in a while.

 

This has been awesome.

 

Because...

she is not only a Nanna,

but has become Lily's tutor

and my second hand.

 

She left today.

I wanted to drive her to the airport

and hug her forever, 

but Work called.

 

So...

I had to do the homework thing on my own.

Meaning...

Lily had to do her homework

minus an inspirational tutor with a bag full of tricks to remember things like, 

counting by 2's and 5's and 10's and how to alphabetize a spelling list.

 

Lily had to get this all done
without a faithful tutor

and then we rushed out for soccer.

And she lost a soccer shoe.

So we left with tennis shoes.

(And angry mom)

I was going to offer to help with

soccer coaching tonight.
Remember my big inspiration?
When the coach asked for help...
I was all in!
 It is my self proclaimed new calling after all.

And then we arrived late-ish.

 

The Dad's were in plenty helping

and I didn't know how to fit myself in.

And...

when I warned Charlotte about the possibility of me assisting

she started whining.

 

(and note to everyone,

Charlotte has perfected baby sister whine.

 And uses it on any occasion when things don't go her way. 
I try to tell her, now is not the time to turn into a baby again, puhleeze, I can only handle two kids,
with one being more of the easy child variety.)

 

So...

 I did not help with soccer and  instead

half listened

and half paid attention

and mostly,

only waited for Darin.

And I certainly spread my anxiety to him by texting to see if, perhaps, for once,

he would be there on time,

like, as in, when he said he would.

No.

 The answer is no.

He is always 20 minutes late.

Because...

 of work or traffic or something.

And I am pissed.

Mostly, always.

 

Then,  I remember that

Darin had to get up at 6 am today,

and I got up at 7 am.

 

Darin worked all day,

when I worked for a few fluffy hours from home.

 

When Darin arrived at late at soccer,

I let him know my dissatisfaction

with his tardiness,

as I headed off to

Lily's curriculum night at school.

Late. 

Pissed, maybe.

 

He returned my favor by requesting
that I be home at 8 pm

because he has another meeting.

Super pissed.
I think I wanted another mom to take me out for a drink to commiserate, because Darin is out of town for the next few days, at the same time I have to go into the office again.

(in reality, poor Darin and his pressures and long days going out in the world to provide the kind of things the girls and I want, and then coming home to give his best, and its still not good enough, and then taking another work call late night from home.  Totally.Not.Fair. 
He doesn't say this or mention this, but I see this.)

 

 

So... when I arrived at curriculum night,

the lovely principal started giving me advice,

that I wasn't actually late and had time to head to the gym to sign up for conferences.

 

 I talked over her to tell her,

that I was so busy,

had to be in 2 places at once all week.

 

She smiled graciously, and stopped me
 

(maybe affirmed, yes, you are a mom, but I wasn't listening to her,

I was sharing/connecting about me.  Again.)

 

I took her advice and headed to the gym and hoped I remembered every date

of every party I volunteered for.

And felt bad

when I got the classroom

 and noticed,

I was in a frenzy,

(and was immediately was guided to Lily's desk)

 I made it there.

(Hurrah!)

I looked around

(compared)
(and that is never nice.)

Some seats were empty.

Then,

 I was both sad and accomplished.

One,

I was there!

(Hallelujah!)

We love our kid and

we are interested in her learning. 

(We have proven it to the outside world by my being here!)

 

Two, it was hard for me to get here.

Some parents didn't make it.

 

Can you imagine the troubles?

I can.

 Because...

 we have a two parent family

with no health or financial issues

(except we can't buy designer jeans for discount
every time we want to)
 

Come on!
 

Let's be nice to one another.

Let us all be a village,

because we all fall short sometimes,

and we all need help.

 

The news, Friends.

The real deal.

The fact that,

 I asked for this post and

now I have it

and I am still not happy, too busy.

 

The yogis,
the wellness folks,

the spiritual,
the religious,
and the ones who are much the same as me,
but didn't say it out loud,

 in my newly welcomed, 
 more than 3 followers,

are begging me to take a breath.

I hear you.

I agree.

Don't sweat the small stuff?

Yeah, I should totally try that.
I have super big more busyness than today, coming up later in the week.
I am going to do it with a kinder heart.
I promise.
I will report back.