Moving forward, in a crooked line

Friends,

Some people are saying,

Charlotte is getting less shy

and more outgoing,

in her old age.

I don't know what they are talking about.

This photo was taken in bed,

 after our fun filled

back to school preparation,

 Dad was at happy hour

girls only night.

 

The girls got haircuts and we discussed

the impending new school year.

 

It was also the night of the blue moon.

 

Maybe that's what got into Charlotte?

 

In all seriousness,

all summer,

Friends,

(like you)

are commenting

on how much she has changed!

 

But to D and me,

she's the same.

So we don't see a difference in her.

At home, she's always been a little nutty.

 

Loud, and forceful, in her own way.

 

She has surprised us, in the past,

by acting shy in public.

 

Outgoing is not better than shy.

Its just different.

 

The nice part,

is that Charlotte's at home behavior

is now matching her public behavior,

so it feels consistent.

 

Like, she is living,

her true self,

out loud.

 

That is good to me.

 

My baby starts kindergarten

next week.

 

She's thrilled.

Just bursting with excitement

and happy anticipation about everything,

but mostly, about learning to read!

 

She's been practicing all summer,

on her own initiative!

God Bless my Baby!

 

She has been singing a song

she made up ever since

her preschool graduation.

It goes like this...

"Bindergarten, Bindergarten,

I'm going to start Bindergarten!"

 

Lily starts 3rd grade.

She's nervous.

It sounds like this,

 

"but Mom, what if, and what if,

and what if?"

 

I am sad.

And a little excited.

And very nervous.

 

 I am sad that my life has passed this quickly.

My bittys have both just grown up,

into big school kids.

 

I know it only goes faster from here.

 

Charlotte is going to lose her teeth this year.

 

It happens.

 

This event will take away her baby face,

and my denial of her age.

 

I can't stand it.

I am not ready for it.

 

 I keep this a secret from the girls.

 

I tell them,

I know for sure,

 they are about to have

the best years ever,

and that I am so proud of them.

 

And that is true.

 

That is why I am excited.

 

We are ready.

In a sense.

Prepared as we can be.

I am controlling the things,

I can control,

to find order,

and make sense of it,

in my mind.

 

We have our school supplies.

We have back to school outfits.

We are signed up for dance,

and soccer, and necessary other

after school programs.

 

We have new haircuts.

 

We celebrated this all,

with a fancy girls only

end of summer sushi dinner.

(notice Lily's short haircut?! So grown up!)

I am making these motions
 to make me feel sane.
 

The truth is,

I am freaked out.
How are we going to do this???

 

I won't have our awesome nanny

to help with dishes and laundry.

I am supposed to be picking up

both girls at the same time,

while also at work in the city.

 

It will be new
for us,
 to juggle

two kids in school

and homework

and schedules

and baths

and all the business.

 

The fact is,

Lily's new haircut is because,

she has to do her own hair.
 

Every morning.

I am out of the house before she wakes.
 

Her hair is hard, man!

This is a big deal.

 

Little C will be in school for hours and hours,

longer than I want.

It doesn't feel right to me.
 

Maybe I should quit my job

so I can do Lily's hair,

and scoop Charlotte up from school earlier?

 

I wish there was 2 of me.

1 to go to work

and 1 to stay home.

 

Today, I worked from home for a while,

 in between client visits.

 

I had a moment,

where the nanny was here taking care
of my kids,

and doing dishes and laundry,

and the house cleaner was here

doing the rest,

and I had a frozen meal in the crock,

and I felt like maybe if there

was always 3 of me,

we could get it all done.

 

All the cooking and cleaning

and parenting and scheduling

and working would maybe

be done in way that nothing was missed

along the way.
 

But I am only 1.

And things get missed.
 

Some days, I am really good at my job,

and really not good at my house.
 

Some days I am good with my house,

and not with my kids.
 

Some days I am good with my kids

and my job and my house suffer.

Such is life, right?

So, I try to keep a bigger vision.
 

And in the bigger vision,

Lily is learning to do her own hair.

And Charlotte is coming into herself.
 

And those are big things.
 

Good things.
 

Things that affirm,

we are ok.
 

Things that affirm the path that I am on,

 is not a straight and narrow path,

but we are all headed in the right direction.
 

So we continue,

on this crooked and right line for us.

 

Affirmations to you, Friends!

I know you struggle with the same

curvy road on your paths.