That time I took a step backwards. On purpose.

You Guys,

I have lost it.

"It" being,  my mind.

And I have found it.

"It" being my soul.

Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin.

I took a major leap from my old  job to my current job.

I started reporting to the president of my company,

who is someone that I love and value.

Just like in my old job,
I can only really dedicate my time

to a leader when I believe in their vision,

And I believe in his vision.

And I like and respect him.

And in this first meeting, where I reported to him
he was demanding more of me,

which is totally his style,

I melted.

I just sat there and told him

I didn't want to do this anymore.

He was stunned.

Maybe he thought he was motivating me to work harder,

in his "pep" talk.

All it did to me

was make it very clear,

that this is not the right fit for me.

And I nearly cried,
(He said you're crying.  I said I am not crying.  I am almost crying)
and this is why:

 I leave my house at 6:15 every  morning,

and get home at 6:45 every night,

 when it is a regular day,

and not those later nights,
and earlier mornings,
that I do a few times a month.

I miss my kids.

My anxiety is too high.

I come and work so hard every day to

be told I am not good enough,

when I am one of the best players on the team,
and my metrics and results prove it.

No, I don't want to do this.

So after many more clarifications,

and soul searching, and reflection,

on both sides,

I have decided to step down from my big job

as Division Director.

I will instead do Business Development,

 in the office that is 1.5 miles from my house,

With colleagues that I support and feel  comfy cozy with.

I will have an opportunity to make more money,

and I will work 4 days a week,
and enjoy Fridays off.

Allowing me some time and space

for life things that matter to me.

And in so many ways this feels like

a no brainer,

as my friends keep telling me.

And it is my perfect job and what I want

for my life balance, that has been

tragically missing this year.

And it also feels like such a disappointment to me.

Like I failed,

or made a wrong choice,

or can't keep up or keep on,

keeping on.

I have worked hard to get myself to this point

where I have an opportunity to continue to be
wildly successful in my job,
and rewarded.

But I am realizing

just because you CAN do it,

and you are good at it,

doesn't mean you SHOULD do it,

or HAVE to do it.

So its strange.

I want a career and advancement.

 I want to lead a team and be wildly successful,

as I have been.

But I don't want any of those things,

more than I want a

happy, healthy,

and balanced me.

 I can only be happy and healthy and balanced,

when I have time with my kids,

time with my hubs,

time for myself,

and time for my family and friends.

Taking this job taught our whole family everything we needed to know.

My girls are now sisters.

Truly taking care of and looking out for one another.

This never would happen if I was always home

and they were always competing for my attention,

Darin has been the steady.

He is the one at home while I work.

He, ironically succeeds with more at work,
when his plate is full of household and parenting duties,
along with his job.
He compared it to his best and most successful year of college,
which was also his busiest year
where his schedule was full of activities and obligations.

I am not the only maid at home.
Everyone is learning to pick up after themselves.
I am letting go of my perfectionism.
Sometimes my floor needs to be swept and I don't get angry about it.
I am learning to be ok with the girls going to school looking
somewhat homeless.

I am affirmed that I can make valuable contributions
outside the house.
I thrive on success, team work, and continued growth.

So, Friends,
its still a transition in process,
but after a few weeks with my new schedule
I am thrilled with my autonomy
and balance.

I have started working out again
and I am back to eating and cooking healthy.

My favorite part is waking the girls up,
and having my face be the first thing they see every morning.
It is still such a novelty to them,
that no matter how tired and grumpy they could be,
they wake up with a smile and a hug and
"Mommy you're home" squeal.

And that's just not something you can get from a cold call.

I am proud of me, for not doing it all.
For putting an end to the madness
and feeding my soul instead.

I took my family to a waterpark with Besties to celebrate.
I took myself to the waterpark spa with Besties,
to really celebrate wonderful life choices.

Cheers, Friends!