Tis the Season to be bittersweet...fa la la la

Friends,

Behold our Tannebaum.

 

We have more ornaments than anyone I know.

They have all been gifted to us.

 

We choose a ginormous tree this year,

to fit ALL the ornaments.

 

Then we ended up cutting off the top,

because it was too big of a tree for our house.

 

Nonetheless, here is our display.

A tree full of memories.

My favorite Christmas song is Alabama's

"Angels Among Us".

 

I dare you to hear this song

without shedding some tears.

 

I have proven unable to do this,

time and time again.

 

So when my song came on like clockwork

the minute the last ornament went on the tree,

I promptly turned off the lights and held my puppy

on my lap and gave myself

a good holiday sob.

 I feel so blessed to be alive.

 

To have these traditions.

This home.

These children.

My whole circle of family and friends,

and myself.

My health and my happiness.

 

I am so content I just want to stay in this

happy holiday home

making memories forever.

 

And at the same time,

I am missing people.

 

My loved ones that are not here to join

in on my holiday joy.

It hurts my heart.

I cannot recover from this.

 

I remember holidays past,

and I have fear of holidays future,

that more will be added to my list,

 of lost loved ones.

 

And I cry.

Cry, cry, cry.

 

Yet, I am learning,

as best I can,

that you can find joy,

even in the middle of grief.

 

Its ok to feel happy,

and to feel the depths of loss,

at the same time.

 

So I let myself sob. Ugly cry. For a little bit.
Then, I wipe my tears

and I hug my people.

And I treasure life,

exactly how it is right in this moment.

 

With Charlotte who is my innocent joy,

wearing my Elf costume,

that my Grandma Busha made me,

for my 4th grade play,

where I held Gabe's hand,

for the first time.

 

And then I hold Charlotte's hand,

and just feel the love.

She has also already lost a classmate too,

and she has recovered much more,

gracefully than me.

 

But she has changed, learning loss is part life.

 

The knowledge

has made her comfortable

with loss.

 

It happens.

We go on.

 

Take joy.

 

She teaches me.