Variety Show

Friends,

Lily tried out for the school talent show

a month ago.

 

She was dancing to Aladdin's

"Never Had A Friend Like Me"

 

She did not choreograph a routine.

 

She did flail, twirl and cartwheel

around our living room,

with this song blaring,

as often as possible.

 

When I told her to turn it off,

she searched the internet

 for potential costumes, and stage props

for her act.

 

When audition day came,

she settled on last year's dance recital costume,

and I sent her off with a wish and a prayer,

for what I was assuming would be a life lesson,

and a teachable moment,

regardless of the result.

 

When the results came in,

Lily walked in the door and immediately said

"Mom, I didn't make the Talent Show."

 

I was fully prepared for this.

So I calmly said,

"Oh, Honey,I'm sorry.

How do you feel?

(disappointed)

Do you think you will want to try out again?"

 

"Yes" she responded.

 

"Good for you!" I replied.

 

She went on to tell me that,

 Kylie's little sister Sydney

also didn't make it and if she did make it,

she would have given her spot to Syd,

who had a really good act.

 

Syd's mom Joni then did something awesome.

 

She worked with the school to add a variety show

to the open house/science fair night.

 

This was open to anyone. 

 

No try outs or auditions.

 

Anyone that wanted to perform could.

The music room was available and students and parents would serve as an audience.

 

Lily signed up.

 

She picked a new song.

 

She flailed, twirled and cartwheeled,

in our living room

with music blaring,

 as often as possible.

 

I suggested she maybe

 have a few "go to" moves,

she could pull out,

 if she got nervous in front of a crowd.

 

I offered to write down her moves,

video her moves,

help create a routine.

 

She pretty much turned me down,

 on all these offers.

Minus the video taping, naturally.

 

I was so very nervous about myself,

as we approached the variety show.

I am a Type A.

 

I could not go in front of people

and wing it.

 

I didn't think she could either.

 

This had nothing to do with her,

and everything to do with me.

 

How was I going to manage my anxiety?

How could I support Lily?

How could I watch her unprepared and

performing in front of an audience?

 

The only parenting practice that matters to me,

is teaching and supporting confidence.

 

With every move and voice and discipline

I do with Lily,

I ask myself first, before I speak or move or discipline,

"does this build her confidence or break it down?"

and I know my answer to how to proceed.

 

So we went to the variety show. 

We showed up with her costume and music and pep talk on time.

 

The first act was a boy dancing.

 

As soon as he started,

her face got red,

and her nerves started.

 

She looked at me and said,

"I don't want to do this"

 

"But we committed, Lily.  You CAN do this."

 

"No, no, I don't want to.  I can't."

 

She was near tears and doing everything in her power not to run out of the room.

 

I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know how to parent.

 

I had prepared myself to sit and smile

and thumbs up to her, regardless

of what the whole room was thinking,

about her flailing/twirling/cartwheeling/winging it

routine.

 

She was adamant,

stuffing down tears,

that she couldn't do it.

 

So I told her she had to tell Joni herself.

 

And she did.

 

Her spot was taken quickly by others.

 

We watched one more act

and she wanted to go.

 

So we did.

 

I had no idea if I did the right thing or not.

 

I had no idea if I should start preaching

about being accountable and committed.

 

Or sharing the gospel of being prepared.

Or I told you so, why don't you listen to me?

 

Or any of those things,

 that were swirling in my head.

 

I decided not to do those things.

 

I decided a little yoga breath

and space and time

and just biting my tongue,

might be the best answer.

 

I prayed I would soften myself,

right here,

 in this seemingly

intense and urgent moment.

 

I prayed I would just let this be

an opportunity to experience,

instead of a situation,

 I was trying to get out of.

 

Or force.

 

I was answered with a very important message 

that I just love her so very much.

 

So we walked out.

I hugged her,

and told her I loved her.

 

We got in the car

and she thanked me.

 

I told her how proud I was of her.

 

When I put her to bed,

I asked how she was feeling about tonight.

 

She said she was so worried,

 she let everyone down,

and mostly,

she was so upset that she disappointed me.

 

Her vulnerable honesty in that moment,

made me love her more

 than I have ever loved her before.

 

So I held her in my arms,

and I told her how proud I was of her.

 

How brave and bold she was for trying.

 

How very much I love her.

 

How nervous I have been in my life.

 

How many times I have made mistakes.

 

How many times I have failed,

and how OK that is with me.

 

I told her she could just shake this off.

 

She could never be a disappointment to me.

 

Her just being her, is already

my greatest blessing.

 

Her face and spirit were lifted immediately,

because she still wants my approval and my love.

 

I was surprised that she didn't already know these things that I feel so strongly every day about her.

 

But I think I don't tell her these things enough.

 

I think she maybe hears,

pick up after yourself,

and brush your teeth without being reminded,

and turn off the TV and do your homework.

 

When I am trying to tell her I love her,

these commands slip out.

 

Because I love her,

and want her to brush her teeth,

pick up after herself,

and do her homework.

 

That is loving her,

in different words.

 

The message is lost in translation.

She needs to hear it straight up and often from me.

I need to give her that.

 

Not the

"your ride is here, I love you, be awesome today" that she hears on her way out the door,

but real time and real

 "oh my gosh you are so amazing"

bedtime talks or coffee talks.

 

So tonight was a big huge blessing for me to love and connect with my girl in a really big way.

 

And most of her nerves,

were mine.

 

I didn't want her to make a fool of herself.

Seriously.

 

But I have had the biggest lesson,

because who cares if she does?

 

If she puts on her contagious smile

and dances her glorious heart out

in front of the masses,

like she does in our living room,

she would bring down the house!

 

And if it didn't bring down the house,

who cares?

 

I would give a standing ovation and

high five her all the way to the car

 on our way home.

 

Lily has been rewarded

for good behavior at school.

 

There she is, first row,

second from right.

 

She's on the Accelerated Reader Board.

 

She's a great friend to others.

 

She is so good at everything that matters.

And Lily's personal mantra
is on her Instagram
and it says...

"Happiness is when
 you feel good about yourself
without feeling the need for anyone else's approval."

 

I am so proud of her.

 

I am not raising a show pony.

 

She did not disappoint me.

 

Her decision may have relieved me.

 

And that disappoints me.

 

I am the one with things to work on.

 

My Girl, is a shining star,

with or without an audience.

 

Break a leg, Friends.