These are the days...to remember

Today, I had one of "those days". I call it a Mean Mom Day. I feel horrible. It has been a long time since I have had a day like this. It is usually a cooped up winter blues sort of day, but right here in the middle of summer it happened. Now that I had this day, I remember why it is my goal to never have days like this. But we do. I do. I think its part of life. I try to have as few as possible. What is a Mean Mom Day?

I was less patient and thoughtful than I want to be. I got mad at the girls (and then myself). I reacted instead of being thoughtful, in a more than a handful of situations. I will be honest, my Little Angels were "less than perfect" themselves today (how dare they act "less than perfect" when I am feeling so "less than perfect" myself?).

We ended well. We learned lessons. We apologized. I am forgiving us all (including myself) and finding some joy in these moments, even when they are "less than perfect". I am reminded by a quote from the book, "Water for Elephants" that speaks to me and explains these moments:

"Those were the salad days, the halycon years! The sleepless nights, the wailing babies, the days the interior house looked like it had been hit by a hurricane; the times I had five kids, a chimpanzee and a wife in bed with a fever. Even when the fourth glass of milk got spilled in a single night, or when the shrill shrieking threatened to split my skull, or when I was bailing out some son or other, if in one memorable instance, Bobo *the chimpanzee*, from a minor predicament from the police station, they were good years, grand years. But it all zipped by. One minute Marlena and I were up to our eyeballs, and the next thing we knew the kids were borrowing the car, and fleeing the coop for college. And now here I am. In my nineties and alone."

Sunday we had an impromptu trip to the pool...

Charlotte is pure joy playing in the water

Daddy and Ceci

I love this candid face and the giggle I hear just looking at that smile.

And Lily My Love.

Have I created this? When the camera is out, the girl poses.

In my mind I was attempting to capture Lily being Lily...playing in the water like a 5 year old. What I got was Lily at 16. A pose. A stage. An act.

And it is this last part that contributes to my anger today. The growing up so fast. For her. For me. The sass. The mouth. The words. The attitude. The concern about what others are thinking. The knowledge and wisdom of it all. The seemingly sudden adult like attempt to create reaction in others (vs the two year old innocence of Charlotte, which was Lily just a minute ago).

The KINDERGARTEN coming up.

The relationships she is developing with the other neighbor girls in her beading/jewelry making class that mimic my relationships with "those moms". For good. For not good. The pressure I feel about this. Because I want to raise good and kind children with all my heart. And I see that I am raising ME, and Darin. For good. For not good. And I see the other mothers are doing the same. And we are all doing the best we can. And we are all doing what we know how to do. But really we are raising more of "us". Whatever we are. For good. For not good. And as Julie stated in her speech at my wedding "Heather is her own worst critic". And now I am critical of not only me, but my children too.

And as I search for a way to end this story, I go back to the pictures of our day...and I am reminded...Lily ran into her friend Natalie from preschool. Natalie only attended her preschool for a short time. Natalie doesn't talk. When I visited Lily's preschool I noticed Lily was THE ONLY person to communicate with Natalie. Natalie was apparently being 'assessed" the day I was there, as there was an unknown adult in the room with a clipboard watching her and speaking to the teacher. As they watched from afar and let Natalie "do her thing". The other students also "let Natalie do her thing". The other students being everyone except Lily. Lily spent much of her time engaging Natalie. And when I say Natalie doesn't talk. I can see this is not the same as "Natalie doesn't communicate". Natalie and Lily shared many "high fives" that day. And upon our chance meeting at the pool once again shared a lot of high fives, smiles, and secrets that I was not part of.

And I sat there with Natalie's mom...and we watched our girls in amazement.

Both of us proud of our daughters and the relationship they developed.
And then I think to myself...not so bad. And I think about Lily and I think...I am raising a good and kind girl. With a bit of sass. And isn't that all you could ever want and more?

She helps her sister and others.


She is only 5 afterall.

Don't be so critical!

We are all doing the best we can! Lily. Me. You.